Thursday, April 29, 2004

Feeling Guilty

Sorry I have no time to write today busy with housework, shopping, laundry and getting hubby ready for his fishing trip. So I'll so you something I wrote a few weeks ago for my Starting Over group.

Lately i've been feeling guilty about not working. As I've said
before my husband and I are both disabied. He's in a wheelchair and works for radioshack. He works at home. I walk pretty well and get around
pretty good.I've been staying at home all these years since 1997 when I
graduated junior college. I've used the excuse that he may need me and the excuse
that I'm afraid to work. It's ture that he sometimes does need me. He can't
go to the bathroom by himself. He might need me to turn off his network box
on his pcif he's having trouble. I'm there to answer the home phone and
door. But I do still feel guilty at times. He has never told me I should work.
In fact we just talked about it and he said he'd rather me be here.But
money is still kinda tight but we do still have some fun money. But I still
feelguilty. I have a fear of working. I ride public transportation and it
could take 2 hour each way looking for a job. Then after the interview I'd be
standing outside the place in a dress and dress shoes unconfrortable with no
place to sit for an hour or more. Then as I said the other day my fear of crying at everything. I cry way too easy. Then my fear of getting people mad at me. I how could I
handle a boss coming down on me for something? I'm 33 and only had one parttime
job. I worked in a church nursey. I was fired because I was disablied.
Having disabilied people working in the nursery was "a less than perfect
picture of a church nursey:" I'm sure that plays on my fears too. The turth is
that I am pretty capable of doing many jobs. I'm just scared and maybe I
don't want too. I know that the truth is that I do work. I'm a caretaker, a
housewife, and want to be a mother soon. But I still feel guilty. Hubby takes
care of the money wise and I take care of the rest. We take care of each
other. But I still wake up at night and feel terrible. A job can define who
you are in many ways but I feel like a no one. I feel like all our families
and friend judge me and say "she could work she's just too lazy" It's true I
am Lazy. I'm not a very neat housewife. Another reason I don't work ir a have
herinated disk in my lower back and neck. But I still could work. I
just feel guilty.
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