Saturday, April 24, 2004

I've got about 4 versions of my story an the net. I'll post them all soon but here one Well, of course, it started before I was born. Mom had a thing for married men. She slept with 2 of my aunt's husbands. My dad was married and had 3 girls, the youngest 10 months older than me. Mom dated one guy since I was born who was also married. Mom didn't tell anyone she was pregnant. On the day I was born, Mom jumped off a Cliff (possibly just a diving board I've heard conflicting stories). Some say she was trying to kill herself then. I think it's possible. She wanted a boy but she didn't get that. She said in her diary she didn't know what she would do if she gave birth to a disabled child. Well, she had to face that too. I was 3 months premature and had Cerebal Palsey.She wanted to give me up for adoption but my grandpa and aunt talked her out of it.` We both always lived with grandma and grandpa. Growing up was not too bad. Mom NEVER drank, did drugs or abused me. But I was a timid kid and just yelling at me was all the punishment I needed. I was a good kid. Except for sometimes not doing my chores and not going to school ( I once missed 56 days in a year. She wasn't there to make me go. She was at work. Grandma couldn't make me. She could hardly punish me but she tried. You can't ground someone that never goes anywhere. I had few friends. This went on in middle school and high school). Anyway I still think I was a good kid too afraid to mouth off. Mom hardly went anywhere. Occasionally early on but less and less as I grew older. She hardly took me anywhere but shopping (weekly), Six Flags and Wet n' Wild (yearly). I only went to a sit down to eat resturant about 7 times before I met hubby. We did go out to eat but only fast food. One time I wanted to go to a class taught by the Blue Birds for babysitters who wanted to work with children with special needs. She wouldn't take me. I mean that could have been a career starter. I never had any extra after school activities like sports or band or anything except Girl Scouts.We were close in a way though. I talked and she listened but didn't offer much help with any of my problems. We had long philosophical talks about life though.If you asked my aunts and uncles They'd say she was a bitch and that's mostly true. But she wasn't all bad. She spoiled me about as much as a poor fmother with an only child could. I had pretty nice x-mas and stuff. I guess she was there for me in some ways. Anyway that gives you an idea of she and I when I was growing up.
Over the last few years of her life she went out less and less. Even missing family Easter and Christmas gatherings a few times. When I was a Senior in high school I was still missing too much school and I Knew that year I had screwed up too bad that I couldn't pass. I quit. I went back the next spring semester for myself and missed less and made good grades. Mom had NOTHING to do with this. Anyway this is when it all started. The year I went back Grandpa died in 1982 - long since gone. Grandma was not able to do much. I got my first (and only) job working in a church nursery. Mom refused to take me to work. My aunt had to pick me up. She worked there too. Two weeks before graduation it all started. She quit her job. She had the same job for 14 years. She never tried to get another. I told her now that she wasn't working she could take me to work. She did but Mom hated to drive so she always sat outside in the car reading while I worked rather then drive home. Mom drove me to my graduation baccalareat thingie and waited out side. I had to practically drag her to my graduation kicking and screaming. She didn't want to go. The next few months was uneventful for us but money was getting tight. In August we had a car accident. It was the beginning of the end. The car was damaged so it was not drivable. We weren't hurt. She went home and went to her room and stayed there. A month or so later we knew we had to something about her. My uncle offered to pay to get the car fixed if she would look for a job. She said no. We had no choce now. We put her in the hospital mental ward. It was a county hospital. She once called crying to say she was sorry (she never cried) but in that stupid place if you eat, make your bed, and do as you're told you are sane. She was home in 2 weeks but nothing really changed. I was doing everything myself - cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the 3 of us. Money was real tight.The next Jan. I met my furture hubby and I started dating. Feb 28. was a great day but awful night. The night before I got mad at my grandmother for turning off the heater in the bathroom when she knew I was taking a shower before work. I said loud enough for mom to hear "Ya'll don't appricate all I'm doing". Mom came running out of her room screaming "I've been looking for an excuse now I have one!" She ran out of the house. I went to work. My aunt called grandma and mom had come home. From work I went to my boyfriend's for the night because we were visiting a college out of town the next day. What fun we had that day but..... afterward I went to work and we had no kids that night in the nursery. Thank God. My boss came in and I knew something was up. She knew. Just then a driver of the transportation system I ride (who was a minister) came in and told me to call my boyfriend. I knew. Yes, she had killed herself. She used the pills from when she was in the hospital. She refused to take them. I told her to keep them in case she wanted to start taking them the way they were intended. Man, I didn't mean all at once. Big mistake. Anyway I did not want to deal with a funeral. She didn't want one anyway. She didn't want people to see her. I gave her what she wanted. God, I don't know why I gave her what she wanted she didn't deserve it. I never saw her body. No one did but grandma. God, how I hate that she did it when only grandma could find her. I wasn't surprised. I just went on with life. I went back to work the next Sunday. She os buried in a county cemetary with no grave marker. No closure though.
My grandma went to a nursing home in April. She died 7 years later. Hubby and I moved in together. That August my best female friend died. Hubby and I married 3 years after we met. He's disabled too and in a wheelchair. I walk pretty good but have a speech problem. I went to college. We got our own house a few years ago and are now trying to have a baby. I may try to find my father someday.

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