Monday, May 31, 2004


They came to paint the house Saturday. They didn't get the blue I wanted but this is ok maybe better. It's a medium darkish blue with a hint of aquaish. They got it all done except some touch up.

Smack has called once everyday since friday. We won't leave a message and I won't answer until he does. He didn't show up to help Saturday. Big suprise(not). Hubby and I talked about what we'd say if he came over. How we'd handle him. Yes, I'm playing women games I admit it. But maybe not picking up the phone will hurt him and he'll see how hurt I was. I still don't know if I want to make up or not. I'll just see how it all plays out.

After all TechTv did wrong now nbc is doing me wrong on my Favorite show Starting Over. Friday is the last show of the season but NBC is not showing it because of TENNIS. Damn them.
Also Starting Over brought back all the frist house guest. 2 are staying at the house. Both are bitches. I don't think this was in best interest of the current houseguest. They did it to get more people to watch the reruns of the begin. It hasn't made me want to watch it more but less. But i'm planning to watch. It starts over next monday if anyone is interested.

I watch GH and AMC and now once again DAYS.
I missed the whole week of General Hospital. I tape them on soap net on the weekend. The first time the tape screwed up then I said At least I have one more chance. I set it for the first time then. left. It came om at midnight. We went to bed shortly after moinight. I moved the remote then must have hit the 8 button and changed channels. Damn. I guess with missing it twice means it wasn't meant to be.
I wasn't watch DAYS. Haven't watch it since about 1991. I kept seeing the commericals when they killed everyone off. I kept saying how stupid it was and I'd never watch that stupid show again. Then The killed of the matriarch of the show alice Horton. I was really pissed swear never. Then.......... I found out some(maybe all) aren't really dead. I was curious Was it all a dream like on Dallas. Curiosity got the best of me.......Sigh now i'm watching. It wasn't a dream but it wasn't real. Their all beening held on a replica island of salem. Their job was to get views. Well they did a damn good job. They sucked me in.


Here is a great site with tons of BDSM yahoogroups. Check some out. There are tons and Tons.
Great BDSM Yahoogroups.

I swear the lat two party night have been bad. We had to get up a 8 for them to paint the house. I'm use to sleeping until about 1 or2 pm(yes, I'm a night Owl). I wanted to party most to eat the food we usally have when we drink. We started drink and I said I wanted to put the food in early and eat early so we can go to bed earlier. Hubby got mad. We had a big fight. Geez all he has to do is let me put him to bed a conk out. I got to put off the food, let the dog out, take my medicine, turn out all the light and get him to bed. He was to lazy to was out his urinal(you k ow like males use in the hospital. alittle plastic jug.) I was mad. He think partying is eay. I still have resposibility. Oh well we need to cut down on partying cuz we buy so much food that it last 3 days. That's not good on our diet. Sigh.

All I'm into right now is Starting Over groups, BDSM groups and blogs. But I've had so much Starting over mail and BDSM mail I haven't had time to read blogs. I decided to cut the BDSM goups that weren't mine or local cuz I'd rather read blogs. My mail is caught up finally so I can start on blogs. I'll be leaving comments soon.

Friday, May 28, 2004


We went to our favorite Chinese buffet restaurant Bamboo Garden Today. We've been trying to go for a year but things always come up almost went the Movies today instead but when we go we see 3 or 4 movies and eat. I didn't want to be out that long sine people are coming to paint tomorrow morning. Before eating my blood pressure was 118 over 72 and 118 over 76. Then I went to eat. Ate a lot including fried chicken, fried biscuits, ice cream with chocolate syrup. Then took a poop, carried a heavy box and sat in the hot sun a few minutes. Went and checked it again it was 149 over 84. geez I rested 15 minutes in the cool air inside it was 131/83 pulse 127 and 134 over 87 pulse 130. It amazing the difference LOL. I do tend to have high blood pressure but I take meds for it. Once I went to the county hospital for back pain my bp was ok. I waited for ever. Then went to have a hamburger, took a poop the started having major pain so bad I was cry. I went back for a reassessment. My bp was so high they took me back. So if you ever wait to long at a hospital eat a burger take a poop and cry maybe your bp will go up so the can take you in LOL.


Smack called twice today when we were gone but left no message.


We were going to my sister-in-laws this weekend. She doesn't lives about 30 minutes away but she likes us too come over for the weekend alot. But since they were coming to paint tomorrow We thought we'd better stay here plus I wasn't up for it after last weeks fiasco.


First G4 took over TechTv fired Leo Laporte, hired him back then canceled his show. Now They delete all old info on the old site including Great photoshop video tutorials. Fuck 'em. I'm not watching the station any more.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Still gonna blog/ Smackavillie called

I'm gonna keep blogging thanks for your support.
Smackavillie called acted like nothing happen. Said I was acting strange when I was being cold. I pretty much told him why I was mad and hung up on him. I said "you wanted sex and you did care who you got it from." he was kinda stammering(my have been drunk). I said Whatever Bye.

OoOoh spooky! Congradulations, your a Goth!
OoOoh spooky! Congradulations, your a Goth!

Ultimate ''What Am I Quiz?'' 15 possible answers. (goth, punk, prep, etc.)
brought to you by Quizilla
Cheer up, Emo kid.
Cheer up, Emo kid.

Ultimate ''What Am I Quiz?'' 15 possible answers. (goth, punk, prep, etc.)
brought to you by Quizilla

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You?

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You?

Find your Role-Playing
, and visit

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Not sure This blogging thing is for me.

I know I'm wrong here but I can't help it it's how I feel. I know a jounal are suppose to be for yourself. I don't think I'd be doing it if it was just for me. If no one read it I wouldn't do it. I hate typing. I wanted to share my life and make friends. I've made about 6 here. Confused, Invida, Aiyana,danerah, nicki, and one or two other I can't think of now. I've enjoyed these girls. But when someone want to here about something then you write it out and don't get any comments it hurts. When I write about a major night and ask for advice and only get one response it hurts. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know some people may get behind on them I do too. But when i get behind I try to go back and read everyday I missed. I know maybe some people just can't think of any thing to say. I don't always either. I'm as guilty as not commenting as the next person. But I do try. I guess I'm just to sensitive. I guess I got hurt because I've only got 1 comment on my last 3 post. They were all important to me and 2 took for ever to type. I know I shouldn't get my feeling hurt so easy. I know I have low self-esteem. I really need online friend because I have few in really life and am losing one now Smackavillie. I'm sure I should be writing this. It should be about comments. But a Jounal is about writing down feeling and that's how I feel even though it's wrong.

Monday, May 24, 2004

This Weekend
I'm not sure if anyone is interested or not but here is what the fight was about with hubby I talked about in my last post. It involves Smackavellie and sex. I reall need feed back on this. Please tell me either way you feel just please be nice about it.
The people came over to work on the house Saturday. They weren't ready to paint yet. They needed to put up new board and stuff. Smackavillie thought when he agreed on monday that we were painting the rooms not the exterior. He didn't really want to do exterior. Then he said he would anyway come to find out they weren't painting that day at all. Smackavellie did come to "help" . Evidentilly He cut aboard wrong(maybe on purpose). So they really didn't want his help but I didn't know that. I saw it as him not helping at all. He keep coming in to play with me. Now early I picked on him alot and we played fought alot. Punching each other it was fun. I admit I was cruising for a bruising and yes I wanted one. At one point he followed me in to get a beer. He was getting pretty drunk he had a 40 oz of a strong beer. He started spanking me hard and we were having fun. But I antagonized him so much and he force me in the bedroom. He spank me good and of course Knowing him he started fingering me. Well I said I wasn't going to do anything with him but I guess it was fine as long as he was only giving to me. Hubby didn't want me too because It would mean he was only coming to help to get sex. So I had no intention of giving him anything. Someone came in so we stopped......( More about this in a minute I want to tell you about two other thing that happen during this time)
The workers all went out to Taco Bell to get food and gave huuby and I two each. I put them on the stove for latersince hubby was working. After the guys are Smackicellie went to get a friend to help(not sure way he wanted to help someone he didn't know. But he did a hell of alot more work then Smackavellie did. Smackaville told me he got him to work for him.) Anyway his friend came saw the Taco Bell and asked if he could have ONE. I thought since he worked hard and wasn't here when the other guys ate. Why not give hime ONE. He ate 3 leaving Hubby and I with nothing almost. (more on Taco Bell later this part of the story insn't over either.
Meanwhile The main guy that wis doing our house is a great guy doing it free and hubby's work is paying for supplies. Anyway his wife came over. (Smackavillie didn't realize who she was and started hitting on her but that's not important)She works with Hubby. She told hubby That if she thought her hubby was spending too much time here she let MY hubby know and she could take him away at anytime. Know I'm not exactly sure how this played out or if some of it is in correct. But still..

Ok back to Smackaville the story will flow more smoothly now. Smackavillie was also cussing infront of kids. Saying Fuck and shit. I don't think it bothered them though. Buit he said hell in front of my neighbor and daughters that are missionaries. I warned him to watch it in front of them. Smackavillie and got in a few auguments in the next few hours about him not helping and that he might be there just for sex. His friend had a prior engagement an hour ago and needed to go but Smack put him on hold to talk to me. How rude he come to help then he wouldn't take him home. I got mad at this too. He took his friend home I think he was mad, but I kinew he'd be back. Earlier he had said something about hubby and I never inviting him over JUST TO WATCH movies. He did come back helped the guys clean up. The guys left. They will paint saturday. I want Smack to stay and watch movie hubby said he wanted to watch our show. I said ok if we don't have time for other people and our shows are more important than we won't go to your sisters next weekend. He gave in so Smack took me to get some more beer and TAco bell. We bought him 10 dollars of gas. They wanted to get 40 oz. bottle of that strong beer i didn't but I did just to go with the crowd. BIG FUCKINg mistake. We had fun watch blade2,arugered around. Smack ate hisd taco bell. I ate one out of 4 of mine hubby want to wait. Things werefine until bed time I realized I was drunk off my ass. thowing up. Smack put me to bed. Later he put hubby in bed. and laid inbetween us. I was out of it but aware of everything. I was sobering up. He starting fingering me. Know hubby didn't want us to do anything. I pushed him away and said now. The light were out. I started feeling alot of moving around. I knew what was going on but waited until I was 100% sure. As I've said hubby is bi but only orally. Smack if you asked he would say he's straight. But tthey have played around a few times. He evern tried once to fuck hubby in the ass which hubby is not into. He stopped it. Anyway now after hubby said he didn't want me to do anything with Smack HE WAS LETTING HIM DO THINGS TO HIM. I was pissed. When I was sure. I yelled what the hell is going on. I jumped out of bed turned on the light. I said after you did want me to do anything with him you do. Hubby felt guilty and said it was his fault. The truth is Smack did only want sex and he didn't care where he got it. He was rubbing is cock agaist hubby's face. he's such a smooth operator now hubby understands. If I had done something that night I'd felt guilty and hubby would have been mad. A fight broke out I told smack to leave. Hubby and I fought but I forgave hm telling him it would take time to get over it. ( I had to forgive him. I had an affair years ago he forgave me.)
Next morning I looked in the refigurator All tbe taco bell that was left was two tacos with everything on them. I ordered mine with just meat and cheese. Smack ate my quesidilla and one taco and gave hubby and him my taco with out care whose it was. Damn I was just destined not to get any Taco Bell.
So here I am Trying to get overthing with hubby. But I've pick many fights with him mostly over the tempature in the house, I didn't make him coffee today. My tradition mean way of punish him when I'm mad. I've told him 3 or 4 little white lies which I normally don't lie much. I don't know how to get over it.
As for smack. I haven't heard from him yet. He left his favorite hat here and blade2. So I expect he'll want them. But I ain't calling him first. So what do I do. Should I end this 9 year friendship?? All smack does is lie. He can't admit that all he wants is sex. He made me feel guilty for accusing him. Sometimes I do just want sex from him but at least I can admit it. Hubby said he's not inviting him over again It's up to me. I was saying I wouldn't then hubby said becareful of burning your bridges. Damn I don't know. I don't have any friends of my own. Smack is the only friend we met together. The rest of out friend are people he knew before we met or from work. If I end it and we never find a DOM. It mean I never get spanked with anything other than paddles and brushes cuz hubby can't with anything else. I love when Smack uses his hand.I'll never be phyically forced or play fight. I'll never be fucked again. I have to be on top with hubby. I'll never have anal sex again. But I just don't think it's a healthy thing for hubby or me. Smack is a master manipulator, a liar. But I want people to except me for who I am. Everyone needs friends and exceptance. Maybe I should just except him as he is.Please read the part of may19th about him and"friday night" may 2nd. And tell my nicely what you think. Should We end it With Smack or not??????
and "friday

Sunday, May 23, 2004


Now I maybe be makin wrong generalizations here. I all I know is what I see. Baseing the on one or two men so forgive me if I'm wrong. It must be so nice to be a man. I truely believe men and women think different. Our brains are different. I think women's brain work non stop. We over analize everthing. Men they don't think enough. Here we are a major possibly life changing fight. And for once he was wrong and admits it. Yet he's in there sleeping in never never land and I'm up still upset. It must be nice to flip a switch and turn your brain off and go right to sleep. Wish I could. Yes we were drink but I had more than him. We got up at the same time 7:30.It's now 5:10 in the morning. So why is he off dreaming. And I'm not. Shit I hate my life sometimes. I'll give details tomorrow but I'll tell you this now. It involves sex and Smackavellie. And I'm definity in the right here. I don't usully say that. I usally feel wrong. So I'll tell u the whole fucking story tomorrow. I really need friend and feed back on this one. I'm going to try to sleep now. I'll post what happen when I get up.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

My 3real spankings. Invida wanted to hear about my spanking when I was 16. So I thought I'd tell about my first 3 spanking as a child long before I realized I was a Spanko.
The first one I don't remember. I was 2 or 3. Mom told me I pulled all the toilet paper off the roll and she spanked me good.
The second I have no idea how old I was problably around 7 or 8.My only job was to make the bed for my measly 1 dollar allowance. If I didn't everyday I didn't get my money. Well, Of course this week I hadn't done it so no lousy dollay. We were at the mall my uncle went and bought some cool glow in the dark crayons. I got upset and wanted to buy something. I started crying and acting up. Mom said I was getting a spanking when I got home and if I didn't straight up she take me to the bathroom and do it. I guess I straighten up cuz. It happened at home. At home mom was standing by the heat so It must have been cold. I don't remember really what was said or if I was crying but knowing me I was. I guess she told me to go to her and I did. Somehow we got in a standing hug position and she gave me a few swats. Not that hard at all whoopie doo. I remember thinking then how it wasn't that hard. I think it would have been better for me if it was harder. BTW the next week I promised my self I'd make the bed everyday. I didn't. :(
ok on to my sixteen year old spanking. Like I've said before I always misssed school. One year I missed 56 day in one year. I just didn't go. Mom was at work and grandma couldn't make me go, Although she tried. I mom was at home when I left I would have went. I bet the best thing she could have ever done for me was work another shift. Oh well I won't get into what a bad mom she was you can read that in An Intro on April 24. Anyway I didn't go to school one day. Mom came home and was mad. I don't know really was said before dinner but at dinner she was pissed at me and went and fix me a plate on with stuff I didn't like and told me to eat it all. I gaged on some potatoes. And she said If u throw it up..... Well u know those stupid threats. now I never to this point showed anger to my mom really. I hate confrontation. Put being forced to eat something when i'm a very picky eater really really pissed me off. I got sssooo mad I though the damn plate down food and all. Mom was pissed. She grabbed me and said something about "we talked about the other day"( We were playing around a few days before talking about rather I was too big to be spank. Shespanked me then too but she was playing. She started Spanking me bare handed over my panties, gown and housecoat. Yeah it hurt. but not half as bad as most hubby give me now. Yes I cried more out of fear then pain. I got over it quick but I had to pay her a dammn dollar for the plate.( there goes my dollar allowane LOL.( nah buy then I was getting 5 whole dollars for more chorus.
Well that's I started this hours ago while they worked on the house Smackivellie did come. I'll write all about that and the house tomorrow. I still plan not to give him any thing. But if he gives me something or does something to me that different. He already has but more about that tomorrow.............

Friday, May 21, 2004

Getting the house painted
I haven't been feling well the last couple of days. I've had a headache(problably cuz I need to get some teeth filled), A backache, stomach cramps, a little bit of a sore thoat, and felt dizzy. I feel alittle better. I needed some sugar to help the dizziness.
This time tomorrow Our house hopefully be white with blue trim instead of white with brown trim. I can't wait to see. Anyway we Asked smackavellie to come help. Hubby asked him to help when he came over drunk the other day. He made comment about if I "took care" of him. Hubby said "we won't be calling you then" smackavellie laugh and said he was joking. Hubby decided to call and ask him. I don't know if he'll come or not. But If he expect something from me if he does he's got another thing coming. I like sleeping with him when it's "party night". But I won't do it for a condition of helping us out. I garantee I won't do anything with him tomorrow. Also if he wants beer for it. He can forget that too. He doesn't need to be painting and drinking. And we only have 3 beers I'm hiding them. LOL If he's a ture friend he'll come to help and expect nothing in return. He also seems to "showboat" alot and act soooooo perfect. I don't know if he will except someone else is in charge of painting. He said I'll do it all myself. Pleease. If it don't go well with him. I might ended it. But if he can show he's a ture friend..... well we'll see.... I'll fill u in tomorrow. I hope it wasn't a mistake to ask him.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Last night's account of hubby and I have sex was a pretty common account for a non quickie time for us. Like I said last night days he goes in to work(which is about once evey 2 months) I like to have some alone fun. I really felt like I needed to release all my emmorphins or what ever they are. So maybe I could get sex off my mind and maybe I wouldn't be in such a bad mood. So here is what I did today. It's a pretty common account of my private fun time.
I spanked myself 100 times with the new paddle. Had 1 orgasm using my hand, 1 spanking my pussy with the paddle, 1 using my plug in vibrator with a knob on low, one on high, 1 with one of those big back messages on low, one on high, 1 with the new g-spot vibrator on my clit, and once with it moving in and out of me. All this took me about 15 minutes. I problably had 6 to 8 orgasms last night and 8 this morning. That's alot to me. I'm still not in the best of moods( problably due to knowing I got alot to do coming up.) And I've still have been fantizing about spanking, bdsm and the dom i'll problably never find.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Alot of stuff including a spanking and some"fun Fun" LOL

Alot has happen since Sunday. I of course decide not to go to church. Big suprise there(sarasism). I wasn't still hurting from PMS. Hubby wentup to the store while I clean the house a little. Now he can't transfer himself or dress himself but he can roll his wheelchair to the store himself. He has an eletric chair. It saved sometime. We got settled down to watching ours shows while I tried to catch up my mail. Then the neighbor came over and wanted me to babysit. Well this was only the 3rd time they asked me in 6 months so I thought I really should. So Just as I thought I gained time by not going out sat and sun I lost more. But I did something good for someone and it felt good. They have 3 kids. The boy is 3 and both girls are in elementry school.It's only the 3 rd time I babysat in like 9 or 10 years excluding my now 13 year old niece. Hubby went with me while they played outside but went home when it was there bed time because he can't get in there house. Any way it was 6 to 11 they gave me 20 buck. Yes I know I'm a cheap baby sitter.
Smackavellie came over yesterday drunk. Oh GOD. He drives me nuts. Evidently he sent the picture of that decaptatated soilder to a girl as joke think it was another picture of a sheep. I'm sure he just sent the wrong pic. But he almost got fired. So he was depressed and drunk and I wanted him gone. He said abunch of shit. And how he loves me. Oh shit just shut up. Luckly he only stayed an hour. I know we shouldn't have let him drivedrunk but I can't handle him that way especilly whem I got stuff to do. He did smack me a few times though in a good way. LOL.
Yesterday on Starting Over a daytime reality show where women try to improve there life. A woman found her father she never met. I've been into this story so long because i never met my dad. I'm glad he was willing to see her but I feel like I missed out because he wouldn't meet her on camera.
Today hubby and I fought about money again. He said he'd get a second job. I said I'd get a job before he gets a secon one. Sigh. All come threats. We both hate not having money but I don't see him taking public transportation to a second job that late. And I have jobaphobia. LOL I don't know what to do. Especially if we have a baby. He may have to get a second job if we havee one.
Today I found out that TechTV has canceled Call For Help One of two computer teaching shows. It was the one for beginners. the other The Screen savers is more advanced is staying on. I've been a faithful view of this show since 1997 when I got my first pc. I'n so sad.
I also found out the long awaited game Sim2 has been delayed again fron Aug. 2 to Sept. 14. Damn.
Ok Ok you waited along time for me to get to the good stuff. Yes hubby and I had "fun Fun" and he spanked me with my new 1 dollar paddle. We tried role playing a real scene from someones blog( I don't know if I should tell whos). The role playing was ok the spanking hurt alot. I kinda think I went into sub space. I stop feeling it as much and kinda stopped thinking. I'm a little sore yay. He used the new g-spot vibrator on me that smackavellie brought me when he was gone. I ask him to tell me not to cum until he said. He did. It was pretty hard but when I started begging he let me. My orgasm was very strong. I put him in bed then he did oral on me. I orgasmed many times strong. I gave him a BJ and he screamed like crazy. LOL. Then Like I like to do I "topped" myself off with one finally one.
Tomorrow he goes in to work which he rarely does. He works at home. When he is gone I usully like some alone fun. I like to spank myself and masterbate but I'm not sure I'll need to after tonight LOL.
Well that's the last few days for me. Pretty event for for mylife. People are going to be come over alot to work on the house the nexr several days maybe weeks. And I need to clean house good cuz my SIL is coming weekend after next to drop us off after we spend the weekend over there. Then soon after that I need to start getting this house in order. 2 rooms are srill not unpacked. So I'll be busy. Starting Over newsgroups and bdsm blogs might have to wait awhile. Oh well sorty if I don't run spell check tonight i'm tried of typing.

Monday, May 17, 2004


I know I got into this I think. I'm not really submissive but do like to be spanked and other pain. I think it's more about loving discipline. I grew up where spank was a norm. Now you might think I was spanked to much. On the contrary, I think I wasn't spanked enough. I was an only child. My cousins were spanked a lot when they were bad(not lovingly). I wasn't spanked but a few times. However I did fear being spanked. Once was nothing and the other time was at 16 it was not too much. Growing up I always played school and house and I was bad so I could get spanked. I fantized about "little House on the Prairie". A loving Pa lovingly but firmly spanks a bad little Laura. Maybe somewhere I started associating spanking with love. Mom never spanked me hardly. As a teen it might have been good for me if she had when I started not going to school. She could ground me I never went anywhere. Maybe she really didn't believe in spanking. Or maybe she was afraid she'd hurt me because I was disabiled, Or maybe she didn't care (lots of factors here she killed herself when I was 20.) I never learned discipline. So at 33 I like to be spanked and still have now discipline.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Instant Message Screen Names
Nothing going on. Still trying to get reading blogs caught up. I hope to be caught up in the next todays. We were going to go out to eat today at a great chinese buffet resturant today but my back has been hurting. Damn PMS. We decided to stay home and order Chinese and have some beers. Tomorrow we need to walk to the store to get some stuff. It's only 2 block. Neither of us drive.

Anyway I decided it was time to have some messager from here so I could talk to you if you want. Here are my new Screennames.
Yahoo! messager ButterCreamKinkyKisses AIM ButterCreamKises

Friday, May 14, 2004

Same struggles
Yep, I'm still dealing with the same struggles. Church, baby, bdsm. I think if we have a baby I need to start back to church. I need God in my life as I go though prengancy. I want to bring a child up going to church. I need to improve myself. I think Church might help me. But How can I go to church when I do 3somes or bdsm with others besides hubby. I don't no rather to stop it all now, or wait until I truly feel convicting too. Or just continue doing both. I think when I have a baby the bdsm 3somes stuff will fall end anyway. We don't do much as it is. But what if I stop and never get pregnant???? Though all this some interesting has answered my ad. I think I should explore both now and see what happens. If I feel God wants me to stop I will. Some say as long as you love God that's all that matters. We might try to go to church Sunday. Hubby's afraid if we walk his chair might break down but riding our transportation system takes forever. I'll problably change my mind Saturday night or Sunday morning. I hate getting up in the morning. We got two churches we can explore near though. Don't worry if I start going I'm not going to turn into one of those that try to save everyone. I hate those people. I won't ever preach to you just tell how I feel about me and God. I've near been good at witnessing. I feel we have been stagnant in our live since 1997. Nothing has change except getting a house and dog. Hubbies job has changed some but it's the same company and has been working at home since before 1997.
I'm also working on my weight. I weighted 205 Sunday. I've been on Atkins for a few weeks but really have only been trying to cut carbs not doing it by the book.
I'm struggling to improve myself with no help, no answers, no guidance.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

I finshed all 955 Questions on
This is what it said about me. I think it's accurate.

She is less old-fashioned than most.

She is hornier than most.

She is less energetic than most.

She is sloppier than most.

She is kinkier than most.

She is less literary than most.

She is geekier than most.

This part is not accurate
The Sudden Departure
Random Brutal Love Master (RBLMf)

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call.

You are The Sudden Departure.

You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

Your exact opposite:
The Intern

Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer

We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Backrubber, The Gentleman

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail, someone just like you

Sorry not much today
Not much to write today just been catching up on starting over mail now I'm going to try to get blogs caught up. All my pains about gone. My mood has been average.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Just wonding
How many people read this blog regularly? Please just comment and say "I DO". It would be appeciated.
Yes now I think I'm finally over the baby, Starting Over newsgroup thing. Today I'm not in a good or bad mood. But I do feel as time goes on I'm putting it more behind me. I'm not drinking tonight(like I said I only drink if hubby is off the next day.) I'm still in pain PMS wise and my disk is only bothering now and then not bad. Tonight I'm rational for the first time in 4 days. I get PMS bad about every 3 or 4 months the other times I'm fine. I'm leaning toward going ahead and having a baby but not until I get something done. I need to get the house in order. I've been here almost 3 years and haven't unpacked everything. As soon as Hubby and I get our show caught up I will start.(a dumb excuse I know but this summer will be boring with nothing on). Plus I'm working on my weight. Atkis What else. Maybe during this time I can do other things to work on my self-esteem, lazyness, maturity, self-discipline and unselfishness. Anyone no any resources? Thanks to those who commented on all this It has helped. I'm struggling with a lot now. Rather or not to go to church, rather or not to continue in 3some and non-hubby bdsm. Rather or not to have a baby, and getting my ass in gear to do the house. But I can get it together.
My pic Recent
My bridal shot
Our wedding portrait
MY Baby(dog) Tia
MY cat Cyber

MY cat Callie
MY Gallery

Monday, May 10, 2004

I was down friday night, down saturday, down sunday morning, up sunday afternoon, up sunday night, down before bed sunday, down monday morning, down monday after noon, better monday evening, tonight I'm still somewhat down. All over the baby thing and the Starting over group. Post have stop on the subject over there about it but the things they said still hurt. Saturday night i went to sleep at 11AM work up at 2:45 am and didn't go back to sleep. Last night I went to bed about midnight work up at 8 in a terrible mood. I didn't want to clean or have company. I went back to sleep 10 to noon. I got up an force my self to clean. I've been in pain since last night with my low back herinated disk and pms. Beer helps the pain. I really don't drink much only when hubby is off the next day and when he was away. all this about the baby issue. I cuz I worry and care so damn much what people I never met and that really don't know me think. I let them get to me. Tell me and make me feel like a horrible humanbeing that doesn't deserve the right to reproduce. I'm the kind of person who really want to be accepted for who I truely am. I'm a dirent person online then in real-life. They will never know who I really am just how I present my self her. My sis-in-law, my hubby think I can do it. I tired of it now. I need to get pass it. Maybe it's all just PMS. but maybe I have PMDD(what ever that other period thing is.) I wonder if I could be bi-polar or manic depressive. I know I'm Obsessive Compulsive and can get depressed soon. OH well. I'll quite now getting more drunk. Sorry for rambling. Sorry for not spell checking to drunk.Oh we did Have "FUN FUN" last night but not spanking cuz of my back. nothing to really write about it though.
(I Wrote and lost a post last night I'm going try to rewrite it as I did then without putting new feeling in.)

Yes I'm once again in a better mood. After a nice visit with my In-Laws for Momsday, enjoying Survivor(please go vote for Rupert to win the extra million), And a couple of beers I feel better. I still don't know about a baby. My Sis in law has a 13 year old and is single(her hubby died)and thinks I can do it. My Mom in law says it's no ones decision but hubby's and mine. Hubby and I are going to bed and have some "fun fun". I'm going to please him but I'm not sure if I want any but my back hurts. I problably will. I wanted to be spanked I guess I'll have to take a rain check. I bought a new $1 dollar paddle and haven't really got to try it. Oh well nightnight

Saturday, May 08, 2004

God And BDSM

What is your opinion? Does God think what we are doing is wrong? Especilly married people who are with other people.How do you deal with the 2 together?????? IF you do.I mean. I know some maybe athiest.

I posted part of my last entry about the baby to my Starting Over Yahoogroups. Everyone there has said I shouldn't have one. Hubby and I have been doing alot of talking about it. I went to bed at 3:30 crying we started talking. We talk until 7 when he got up for work. We've talked alot since I got up at 2:30(please don't start about me not getting to sleep that late if I have a baby. I know that I'm not an idiot. I got no sleep last night and I don't have a kid now.) Anyway we've talk and I've cried and cried. I just want to make the right decision but everyone is saying NO DON't. The truth is no really knows me and what I'm really like. Opions are like assholes everyone has one. I know everyone might be right but they maybe wrong too. I knew that what people would be like over there but figured people could be more supportive here. I problably shouldn't have wrote it. I feel if we do decide to people there will not be happy for me and be supportive. I think I could be a good loving mom. NO PARENT is perfect. I mean the love for my new dog is so intense how could I not feel even more so for a baby( I believe a pet can be a pet or a pet can be more like a child) My dog is not just a pet.) Some people can be cruel in what they say. But some people maybe judging on our disability alone. Closed minded people don't think disabiled people should reproduce. I know another couple who are worse of phyically then us had 3 kids. Yes they are divorced now but I don't think they were as good as people as we are. He was an ass.) From what I heard there marriage wasn't solid from the beginning like ours. Anyway they some how manage with 3. We'd never be stupid enough to have more than one unless we wait awhile ( i'm not saying people that have more than one close together are stupid but I know I'd be stupid to.) Like I said maybe They are right but maybe not. The thing is We're going to do what We're going to to one way or the other. I just hope I can find support there and here and there is We decide too. I've heard all the horror stories and have work with babies in a nursey. I know I'm a loving compassionate person. Having a baby isn't easy foy anyone no one is perfect. I Strong feel We'd be betterr than alot of people. We're not going on with blinders on. We've been talking, thinking and working at if for several years now. I believe people can change and do. That includes selfishness, immaturity, and lazyiness.I CAN change. And yes I need to do that before I have baby. People can be too hard on them self. How do people know i'm not just being to hard on my self. Maybe I'm not as bad as I make myself out to be.
Fishing, Mother's day, And Babies
Mixed Emotions today.
I told you hubby went fishing but I didn't tell you about his trip. They had a great time as far as visiting with each other but The fishing Sucked. The did some pier fishing Friday, Saturday and maybe Sunday but didn't catch anything big enough to keep. Then Sunday night 5pm to 5 AM the went out on the fishing boat. The damn captain was to worried about calm waters and didn't go out far enough to catch anything. Hubby catch the biggest fish a black tip Shark but it was a few inches from being big enough to keep. So they brought home nothing. I guess a few people complained and the dolphin dock people offered them a free nights. They found a cheap place to stay 4 to a room the trip is going to cost $50. There going in July. 3 nights again. That's good. The trip is where he met the guy doing our house that coming Mon.
My sis-in-law called today about momsday. We all planned to go out with her, her daughter, his mom, and grandmother. SIL said Mom doesn't have the money to go out. We usually buy gifts but she buy her own dinner and grandmothers too. ( We didn't get her a gift. We haven't been out for awhile. SIL picked something up for us and we'll pay her back. Anyway SIL wanted us to pitch in 20 bucks to pay for their meal. We don't have it. Money is tight for all of us. SIL too. But I think she is going to pay it then will pay her back when we can. We are planning to spend the weekend there merorial day. Mom is too.

All these money problems make me worry about having a baby. Money is always tight for us. Hubby said "isn't it for everyone?" In bsaid no. I how can we ever afford a child if money is tight now. Plus I worry about my health. I've never had any serious health problems except high blood pressure, and herinated disk. But I'm 33 disabled and 200 pounds. I also worry about me emotionally. I'm lazy, selfish, and immature and I know it. I've heard having a baby will make you grow up. But not sure how true or fair that is. I think it depends on the person. Hubby's not lazy, immature or selfish, but he can't physically do much for a baby. I can though I used to work in a church nursey. I guess Everyone worries about that stuff. Hubby and I both have always wanted to have a child. But it all scares me.

Speaking of babies on my Favorite showStarting Over ( see Sunday April 25 th to find out more about it) a girl had a baby today and I missed it for the stupid senate committee hearings. You can mess with ANY of my entertainment but DON"T mess with Starting Over. I'm so pissed.

Oh well that's the day I had.

Friday, May 07, 2004

Is anyone getting pop-ups when they load this page??????
If you read my jounal and I don't read(and/or link to) yours please contact me and I'll be more than happy to add it to my list I read and link to it.

Better Mood

Yeah, I'm in a lot better mood today. I guess things are getting back to normal. Today I found out a new VERY NICE friend of hubby's is going to work on our house for I'm sure a good price. His work a store chain you have heard of is paying for materials. We are getting our bathroom floors tiled, house painted, new windows. and more. The guy is suppose to be sssoooooo nice. I meet him and his wife Monday. They are coming to see the house. I'll know more then.
I had fun playing with this site today. I put up a regular dollz, a weather doll that tells what the weather is like where I live, Amessage board, and thanks to nicki a site referrering tracker( I just need someone to link to me LOL). Lucky I learned a little html in 1997.
I might do more today. I'm planning to put links to my pics, new blogs and site, the answer to the question on Apr 27, and A story about my first sex experience.

Anyway things are looking up.

Thursday, May 06, 2004


Anyone know where I can find some Kinky spanko Dollz?

yeah, I've been depressed a lot lately but I don't know why. Mon. When hubby got home he was so tired he seemed distant. He didn't hug me back when I hugged him( hugging takes a little more effort for him then most because of his disability. Tuesday he was talking about his lift being broke.(we have an eletric lift that lifts him up so I don't have to transfer him. We were worried about him having to poop or get a shower before we got it fixed. I worries me to have to transfer him in the shower or toilet. He pees in an urinal like men get in the hospital. I can transfer him good into bed. Lucky we got it fixed today.) but he left the room with out visiting with me. I said something about it. We hugged and I started crying. Last night I snuggle up to him. He was a sleep(snuggling is not easy in a sleep number bed if you like it soft) he put his arm over me without me asking. I was happy but he soon got hot and turned away. I was a little upset. I think I just missed him and needed his touch. We don't get touchy feely often. It's not this him it's both us.
Another reason I'm depressed is because before he left I got so far behind on stuff while getting him ready. I knew that I'd spend all the alone time getting caught up. That happened. I'm still having trouble keeping up. Keeping up on what???????? Just my fun stuff. Blogs and stuff. I'm all about having fun Geez I won't be able to do any of this stuff if I have a baby so why do I get depressed about it now. I feel stupid and hate my self sometimes. I really sound like I need a baby huh?

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Test from yesterday.
The test were pretty accurate. I'm definitely just a player in the BDSM world. I don't know if I could ever be serious in it. As for spanko I kinda think I might be a little more than moderate. I really like to be spanked and watch, read and fantasize about it. Although I reality it's just for play but I fantasize about it being for real. I fantasy about bdsm for real too.
Confuse And baltazarcasaubon Lead me to these Great test from Invidia from collarpurple
How slavishly devoted are you?

Player: You enjoy playing the role of the
submissive on occasion because it is a thrill.
You certainly dont consider yourself a
lifestyle submissive on any level. To you
submission is all about fun and gratification,
and it is often a spur-of-the-moment thing.

How slavishly devoted are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What kind of spanko are you?
What kind of spanko are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, May 03, 2004

Thanks to Danor I found this great site OKCupid It's a great free matchmaking service. You can look for friends or love or sex. You answer some basic questions then you can anwser 904 more if you want to give you better results. Or just some of the question. You can get local or world results. You can narror you search by excluding certain races or relogons. It's cool. I'm Jozie1111 . Please let me know if you know any other cool matchmaking sites.

Hubby got home about 1 PM. He was so tired. He went to bed at 7 pm. I just finshed getting my personals out. Like I said It's hard to find Bi Doms that can look past disabilities. I was really disappointed that no one commented on my last 2 entries. Several of you really want to know about friday night. It took so long to write. Maybe you guys didn't like. Maybe you guys think I shouldn't be doing it.( yes I have low self-esteem. Always think I did something wrong or that people won't like me.) Or maybe you just haven't read it yet. or just have nothing to say about it. I don't know. OH Well.
Nighttime notes

Hubby Did not call me tonight like he said he would. Damn. At least he'll be home tomorrow.I've been submitting our personal ad places tonight. It's so hard to find a bi dom that can look past out disability. Anyone got any good places I can put my ad? I found a great site today. I'll feature it tomorrow. I'm going to bed now.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

As promised here is what happened with my friend smackavellie Friday night.

Once again I must stress I'm not cheating on hubby he knows all about what smackavellie and I do. Most of the time we do it with him there. Smackavellie
has been a friend for more than 8 years. He happens to be black. He was our pizza delivery guy. Then our pot supplier( yes we do it about once a month of course not when I'm trying to get pregnant or any more once I do. I don't drink while trying to get pregnant either). It was shortly after my affair read below(MY SEX LIFE). We were all drunk and high. We sleep together with hubby there. That's how it started. Hubby and him has played a little but it's not smackavellie's thing. I just make sure hubby gets satisfied too.
Smackavellie wants to have intercourse as bad as I do but we can't cuz I'm trying to get pregnant. That's the only rule hubby gives us. But he often puts it in "accidentally". Of course I push him off and he stops. But he shouldn't be doing it. He always has a condom on though. Although he sometimes rubs against me without one but not when he's close to coming. It's all still to risky. Maybe I should end it. The man lies like crazy you can't believe a word he say. Boy can he talk. He yaks all though sex. He's arrogant he thinks he's the best in the world.... NOT. He say he loves me. Oh please. Why must he say that. I love him but not in that way. As a friend. I could never live with the man. We fight too much. One sign of tears he's out the door. He has a girl friend too. She getting a divorce now. They have been together on and off the whole time we've been together. He also take forever to cum. Geez I just want to give up sometimes. He's uses me which is ok cuz I use him too. I explained that hubby being in a wheelchair can't do a lot of what I desire. So we started having threesome. He's not a dom but he can beat my ass good.

Anyway know that you know all that here is what happened Friday.
I guess we both wanted it to be special. It's the first night we've been alone all night. I cleaned so hopefully the cats wouldn't bother him but they did. He was due at 8 but at 7 he called and said he'd be late about 9. But storms were moving in so he hurried and made it shortly before 8. He came barring gifts. A g-spot vibrator, a penis extender (we thought might make intercourse possible but it wouldn't stay on), a CD with porn on it(it's called over my knee#2 but it all ads for phone sex mostly with some sex) and lubricant. We had a few beers and started talking about sex. I doubt we ever talked so much. It was different just being the two of us. I told him about my rape fantasy. One reason he has a hard time hitting me like I like is because he used to abuse his wife. He's never hit me anyway I didn't want him to. We played a little Dom/sub. I asked him to put me over his knee and spank me. He did. Later he told me to get up and I wouldn't he pulled me up and That's when I hurt my toe. He hit my legs and my breast. I complained that my legs and breast always get more beat up than my ass. He said "you said I could hit you anywhere I want". LOL.
We started playing around and he fucked me in the ass while I was leaning all the way over on the bed. I've never done this before. I liked it because I didn't have to hold my self up. He made me cum and we did some other things. But then the food was ready. We ate but the allergy medicine I gave him for the cat allergry had kicked in. He went to lay down before I finished eating. Earlier he had said something about wanting someone to play with him when he was asleep. He has said he want me to fuck him in the ass. So I went in there he had his ass toward me and was asleep. I sat down and started playing with his ass. I started fingering him. One finger then two, then three. He seemed to like it. He always said he wanted the big dildo in him. I always said no you don't. It's big and hard. (We have intercourse with that sometimes). I tried to put it in but he wanted me to put it on. I did but it didn't work. I tried a smaller dildo on him though. He kept saying I wanted to do that. No That's his wishes. It's not my thing Geez. Anyway we had lots of anal sex and he licked me and made me cum a lot. At one point he had fingers in both holes fingering me hard. It felt good. He accidentally put his cock in the wrong home several times which he stopped when I said but it got me crying. I got up went to the bathroom. He said He sleep on the couch. I'm surprised he didn't leave since I was crying. I told him I didn't want him to sleep on the couch. I wanted him to spend the night so we could share a bed. We went back to bed played some more but he still hadn't cum. We decide to go to sleep but I got up to wash up and ended up taking a shower. I called him in there to wash him so I could try giving him a blow job. I tried still nothing so we went to sleep. I think it was 3 or 4. He went to sleep holding me but I can't sleep like that. I woke him up to tell him to move over several times. We woke up about 8 or 9. We played around awhile then he rubbed against me until he finally came. I asked him to spank me hard. (he usually spanks me with his hand that's all it takes. He doesn't like hitting me with anything else because he's afraid he'll hurt me too much. As hard as he spanks with his hands insturments can be lethal. But He does sometimes and did a little the night before. He hit me just hard enough spaced out just right he did 20 or 30 times. After that he left. Finally time alone. It was fun but I can't handle much. I went back to bed about 10:30 am and slept until 2:30 pm. My legs are spotted like a leopard, my breast ore bad but my but has few signs.

Well that's what happen. It's not that exciting. Sorry I'm a terrible typist and writer. My spelling Sucks too. But know my finger is killing me. I'm a one finger typist. I'll try to proof This but I hate proofing.

Saturday, May 01, 2004

Just a note

My toe is sooooooooooo purple and it hurts. Boo Hoo. I like pain but not this kind. Getting hurt is always a risk of liking to fight my punishments. I went to get an ive cream out of thr frige but opted for a beer instead. LOL. I promise to tell you about last night tomorrow.
  • The Collar Purple

  • lafessee

  • peculiar_mutterings

  • For linking to my jounal. I read and enjoys theirs alot. I feel so welcome in the BDSM blogging community. If you read my jounal and I don't read(and/or link to) yours please contact me and I'll be more than happy to add it to my list I read and link to it.

    Damn I wrote this once but It did post so here I go again. Here it is 4:30pm Saturday night and I'm finally getting to do what I want to do. After my friend smackavellie left at 10 this morning. I went to sleep until 2:30 when hubby called. He called last night too. He's having a blast. Atfer we talk I cleaned house and took a bath. WHY. No ones here to see the house and I wasn't that dirty( I'm took 3 showers in 24 hours) This is not like me. Why didn't I just get up say screw it and go straight to the PC. Damn I'm Obsessive Compulsive. I'll write about last night later or tomorrow. I got to go catch up on my mail and sites. But I spranged my little toes will playing. And today is wet and cold 60 degress. Damn I'm shivering. More later

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