Thursday, May 06, 2004

BEEN BLUE

yeah, I've been depressed a lot lately but I don't know why. Mon. When hubby got home he was so tired he seemed distant. He didn't hug me back when I hugged him( hugging takes a little more effort for him then most because of his disability. Tuesday he was talking about his lift being broke.(we have an eletric lift that lifts him up so I don't have to transfer him. We were worried about him having to poop or get a shower before we got it fixed. I worries me to have to transfer him in the shower or toilet. He pees in an urinal like men get in the hospital. I can transfer him good into bed. Lucky we got it fixed today.) but he left the room with out visiting with me. I said something about it. We hugged and I started crying. Last night I snuggle up to him. He was a sleep(snuggling is not easy in a sleep number bed if you like it soft) he put his arm over me without me asking. I was happy but he soon got hot and turned away. I was a little upset. I think I just missed him and needed his touch. We don't get touchy feely often. It's not this him it's both us.
Another reason I'm depressed is because before he left I got so far behind on stuff while getting him ready. I knew that I'd spend all the alone time getting caught up. That happened. I'm still having trouble keeping up. Keeping up on what???????? Just my fun stuff. Blogs and stuff. I'm all about having fun Geez I won't be able to do any of this stuff if I have a baby so why do I get depressed about it now. I feel stupid and hate my self sometimes. I really sound like I need a baby huh?
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