Thursday, October 21, 2004


Mood: Depressed
Health: ok hopefully pregnant way to early to tell.
Weather: hot for Oct.
Diet: Trying to get back to it but not quite yet
Acohol: none since i started trying to get pregnant again
Watching: Liittle house on the praire
Listening To:
Interest of the Day: Starting Over self improvement, Sims2
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I've been kinda depressed lately. Feeling bad about myself. StartingOver (a daytime reality show for women starting over in there life. a real life soap with psycological advice) Helps me alot because it helps me see stuff about myself i need to see but it's hard to deal with those things. I've had lots of realizations lately. Many about my mom and her suicide. I won't get into those now because I need to stop blaming her for what I've become. Here are some of my thoughts lately.
I think I have socialphobia becauseI'm scared of people.Scared of people hurting my feelings, getting mad at me, yelling at me,scared of confrontation, scared of people laughing at me, making fun of me, thinking I'm weird, crazy, retarted.Scared of crying in front of them cuz I cry so easy.Sacred of people judging me. I'm very sensitive and easily hurt. I can't confront people, tell my real feelings or stand up for my self. I'm selfish, immature and lazy. I never gained, self confidence, indepence, self-esteem, or self discipline. I have no courage. I often find myself saying When a memory plays in my head I don't want to deal with comes to my mind I say stupid things to my self like " i wish this day was over", "I wish everyone would leave me alone( mostly the time I'm alone when this happens)", " Ihate my life" , and even sometimes "I wish I was dead" I find change and changing hard to deal with. I need to let go of my past mistakes and work on improving my self. My mistakes I feel worst about is not getting my house in order after being her 3 years, not being good at cleaning, not taking care of hubby(who is in a wheelchair) and myself as well as I should, not having a job most of my adult life, not speaking my mind, being afraid of people and being hurt, being overweight, selfish, immature, and lazy, not going to church, putting fun things ahead of other things, I sleep way too much. Those are the things I need to work on the most. I shouldn't try doing them all at once. So i'll start with my diet and getting the house set up.I worry that I won't be a good mom because I don't feel like i'm a good wife or even a good person. I problably shouldn't be trying to have a baby now but hubby and I both want one bad and I'm not getting any younger. Please I really don't need to here u all saying i shouldn't. Having a baby does change people. I'm trying to change before then. I don't know what to do anyone have any advice.
Here are some quotes from past to help u understand my feelings.
10/17/2004 I feel like no one understands(including the 3 men in my life) my need for pain, rough play and general attention. Why should they. Hell I don't understand it my self. I fantasize about it tell it drives me crazy then plans get canceled or things don't meet my expections i get crushed. I guess my expection are too high. Then I feel guilty about wanting or needing other guys except hubby. I also think I should stop being with them cuz It's hard trying to get pregnant with hubby's baby when i worry i could accidently get pregnant by them even though we use protectionand only have anal sex. Especilly Smackavillies. Hubby's familly is so prejudiced against blacks I can't imagine there responcse to that.Then Again maybe I shouldn't be trying to get pregant anyway cuz i fear i'd be a bad mom. What can i say i'm selfish and lazy. I don't feel like i'm a good wife or even a good person.
5/8/2004All these money problems make me worry about having a baby. Money is always tight for us. Hubby said "isn't it for everyone?" In bsaid no. I how can we ever afford a child if money is tight now. Plus I worry about my health. I've never had any serious health problems except high blood pressure, and herinated disk. But I'm 33 disabled and 200 pounds. I also worry about me emotionally. I'm lazy, selfish, and immature and I know it. I've heard having a baby will make you grow up. But not sure how true or fair that is. I think it depends on the person. Hubby's not lazy, immature or selfish, but he can't physically do much for a baby. I can though I used to work in a church nursey. I guess Everyone worries about that stuff. Hubby and I both have always wanted to have a child. But it all scares me.
I posted part of my last entry about the baby to my Starting Over Yahoogroups. Everyone there has said I shouldn't have one. Hubby and I have been doing alot of talking about it. I went to bed at 3:30 crying we started talking. We talk until 7 when he got up for work. We've talked alot since I got up at 2:30(please don't start about me not getting to sleep that late if I have a baby. I know that I'm not an idiot. I got no sleep last night and I don't have a kid now.) Anyway we've talk and I've cried and cried. I just want to make the right decision but everyone is saying NO DON't. The truth is no really knows me and what I'm really like. Opions are like assholes everyone has one. I know everyone might be right but they maybe wrong too. I knew that what people would be like over there but figured people could be more supportive here. I problably shouldn't have wrote it. I feel if we do decide to people there will not be happy for me and be supportive. I think I could be a good loving mom. NO PARENT is perfect. I mean the love for my new dog is so intense how could I not feel even more so for a baby( I believe a pet can be a pet or a pet can be more like a child) My dog is not just a pet.) Some people can be cruel in what they say. But some people maybe judging on our disability alone. Closed minded people don't think disabiled people should reproduce. I know another couple who are worse of phyically then us had 3 kids. Yes they are divorced now but I don't think they were as good as people as we are. He was an ass.) From what I heard there marriage wasn't solid from the beginning like ours. Anyway they some how manage with 3. We'd never be stupid enough to have more than one unless we wait awhile ( i'm not saying people that have more than one close together are stupid but I know I'd be stupid to.) Like I said maybe They are right but maybe not. The thing is We're going to do what We're going to to one way or the other. I just hope I can find support there and here and there is We decide too. I've heard all the horror stories and have work with babies in a nursey. I know I'm a loving compassionate person. Having a baby isn't easy foy anyone no one is perfect. I Strong feel We'd be better than alot of people. We're not going on with blinders on. We've been talking, thinking and working at if for several years now. I believe people can change and do. That includes selfishness, immaturity, and lazyiness.I CAN change. And yes I need to do that before I have baby. People can be too hard on them self. How do people know i'm not just being to hard on my self. Maybe I'm not as bad as I make myself out to be.
Today hubbys 43rd. Yesterday I actully didn't realize it was today. I mean I knew it was coming and knew it was the 21 and even knew the day before was the 19th but just didn't realize it was so close. I thought it was next week. Guess I lost a week during vacation. I felt so bad. He had a bad day too. Problems with overtime at work. I guess they worked things out he's in a better mood now. We ordered pizza and salad for a special dinner. also got cheese sticks and dessert. We are good friend with the owners of the resturant. They cut the bill in about hald charged us 20 foreverything for his b-day. I'm sure will have a good time tonight since we planned to work on a baby tonight lol.
Being disabilied hubby and I always vote absentee. We sent our forms out this morning. We couldn't decide who vote for. Being liberal democratic we just didn't see voting for Kerry. He's a fence sitter and it voted for more tax on medicine for seniors. We just don't trust him. But with bush the we are at war and the econimy sucks. So we ended up voting on the liberatrain canidate as a way of say we weren't happy with our choices.
I quote about last years vacation below so u could compare it to this years. So here is this years. I'll start with the weekend before we went over to my Sis-in-laws friday the 3rd because the next day we all went to my mother-in-laws for his grandmothers birthday. We went out to eat and realize we forgot our bag with our money, hubbys urineal, and the game i was suppose to put on my nieces computer(sims 2 it won't work on her computer anyway. a waste 50 bucks). So SIL had to pay. But we bought theirs the next week. The next day we went drove to my mother-in-laws. it went ok except for my MIL and her hubby fighting about the trash. MIL was drunk and called him foul mouth yet she said fuck and called him a prick in front of my 13 year niece. God is that the pot calling the kettle black or what. Her hubby is the type to say what ever the hell is on his mind and don't give a damn if it hurts someones feelings. he is luthrian he is a deacon in his church yet he cusses like a sailor and says G_D D_MN like it's the most common word in the english langage. Anyway I guess u get the idea how fun that was. We had an 34arly thanksgiving since mom will have to work that day. We had Turkey and dressing and the works. That's about all. on that.
The next Saturday we went back to my sister-in-laws and nieces for "vacation". We didn't have the money to have a real vacation and go out of town so we went over there and did some stuff around the area. Sasturday we went to Red Lobester one of my favorite resturants. They had all u can eat shrimp yum. Sunday we went to Six Flags over Texas. I finally got to ride all 4 big rides i haven't rode yet. Titian, Mr. Freeze, batman and Superman. Titan was the best. the others were kinda hard to get on because of my weight and disabilty. We saw 3 shows and went though 4 haunted houses(in one this grim reaper was talking srep by step by was freaky and i laughed so hard I cryed. we had corny dogs and spicy curly fries. I rented a wheelchair for me so I didn't have to walk. Monday didn't go to good. We went to a movie studio but missed the tour by an hour. We planned to go back wensesday but read on to find out why we didn't. It was cool what little we saw and we talked alot to the women there. Then we went to Hard Rock cafe for lunch. I had been wanting to go there. It was ok but I got imdigestion from it which I never get. I had a hamburgar and fries and a chocolate chip pie. Then on the way to the movies my niece really hurt my felling because she sais something about if she didn't have school or work she'd have no life. I felt like she was saying I had no life. Cause she said something about being on the pc all the time. Which I am. We worked it out later when she over heard me telling hubby. Damn why couldn't I just grow up and say hey i feel like you are slamming me but no I'm too much of a baby. Anyway we got to the movies saw Ladder 49. It was great but during the movie my SIL got a call. She left to answer it. She was gone a long time We knew something was up. When she came back she sat by me unstead of behind me where she was sitting I really knew something was up. Hubby's grandmother was in a accident. She was going to the park in a van with the nursing home and the had to make a sudden stop. The driver had not straped her wheelchair down or put a seat belt on her. She fell from the back of the bus to the front down the stair well. Cut up her face, head, arm, and leg.They took her to the hospital but released her write after. My MIL raised hell and said she needs to be in the hospital. Man she 87 and took a spill like that she should be obseserved 24 hours for a conscion or internal bleeding. They admited her back in. We watch the rest of the movie but left trying to get more info and trying to decide what to do. The next day we decided to go down to stephenville to see His grandmother, there goes that day(We were suppose to go to the state fair). It's over an hour drive we stayed all day. She looked bad but really wasn't as bad as she looked she got out of the hospital while we were there. We went to the nursing home and got her settled before heading home. We watched movies 3 out 4 of the nights. We Saw Radio, 13 going on 30, and freaky friday. All good movies.
Wednesday the last day together we were going to we were going to the studio again and maybe ther biblical museum,but decided to go to the state fair like we where supose the day before. We had fun. We say afew shows the dog traing show and cat training show(the flying house cats). We listened to the air force band. We ate like pigs Nachos cheese sticks, funnel cake, fried cheese cake, fried cheese curds, corny dogs, fried nutter butters, fried orees, fried snickers, and fried smores. We rode a few rides. I rode a scramble thing that goes upside down and a mouse with a a twirling car. I played the age guessing game and won a stuffed pug, played darts and got donkey from shrek and played another gain and lost but got a nemo cuz i told niece i'd pay to play again if I could pick one. A lady thay worked booth gave hubby a bear with a rip in it he named it rip torn. LOL. I bought a angel in a usa dress for 5 dollars. hubby got a state fair shirt and I got a state fair nightshirt. we saw a WW2 erxhibit. It was fun. Went went home from there
Thursday we rested. Friday his Uncle came over for dinner. Saturday Sir was suppose to come over but his car broke down. So that was our vacation.

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