Monday, February 28, 2005

Aday for

A day for good byes
a day for greiving
a day to remember
a day to forget
a day for respect
a day for being true to my self
a day for liberation
a day for pain
a day for hope
a day for letting go
a day for meeting someone new
a day for a new begining
that's what to day is

Mood: oh so mixed, sad, releaved, hopeful, angry, proud, depressed
Health: hopefully better starting tomorrow
Weather: nice
Diet: starting diet tomorrow
Acohol: none trying to get pregnant
Watching: tv's on but i'm not watching
Listening To:
Interest of the Day: me
Recent Important Entries:
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As I said last time I'm starting a self help program. I'm planning to read alot of self help books. I started it last monday. I read the first chapter while at the hospital while my mother in law had surgery( she's doing good but my Grand mother in law also went in the hospital too. She's out now but she old and going down hill fast. I doubt she'll make it though the year) Anyway the book is Change you life in 30 days by Ronda britten( she's a life coachon my favorite show Starting Over. The most imprtant thing I got out of that was that I need to be true to myself. That lead me to decide I needed to confront Smackavillie. He said he's come by today(which happens to be the 14th anniversary of my mom's sucide.). Anyway hubby and I talked alot about this over weekend. Hubby made me realize Smack does not RESPECt me or our family and friend. We decide I needed to talk to Smack alone to see if he respect what I had to say with out him there. I'm terrible at confronting people. I don't do it. My emotions and insecurities get in the way and down comes the tears.I'm such a crybaby. I can't help it. I try to control them but can't. Well when I cry people can't understand what I say. So I'm wastng my time. So I don't do it. I was set to try to confront him alone. I worried all weekend and was depressed trying to get the courage. I told my self if he can't handle what I have to say then he wasn't worth it. And it would all be over. Well he didn't give me that fucking chance to be true to myself. I got this e-mail from him.
"I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TODAY OR ANY OTHER DAY I AM SORRY FOR THE TROUBLE I CAUSE AND I CAN NOT TAKE IT BACK AND SINCE I DONT WANT TO GO THRU THIS AGAIN I WONT BE COMMING BACK IAM SORRY BUT I FEEL THIS IS FOR THE BEST I WILL MISS YOU GUYS AND I HOPE ONE DAY YOU WILL LEARN TO FORGIVE ME"


I e-mailed him basicilly to read my blog and this is what I got back.

"I READ WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY AND FOR THE MOST PART YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL HURT BY ME AND DISSED I DID SAY I WAS SORRY TO YOUR FACE THE NEXT MORNING WHEN YOU TOLD ME WHAT I HAD DONE YES I DONT REMEMBER ANY THING AFTER HE GOT THERE AND YOU SAID TO ME HOW CONVENENT AS IF I WAS LYING SINCE THIS ORDEAL HAS HAPPEN I KNOW THAT I HAVENT BEEN AS TRUE A FRIEND TO U AS I SHOULD AND SAY WHAT YOU WANT I CN NOT MAKE UP FOR ANY OF IT WE ARE ALL GOING THRU SOME THINGS AND I WASNT IN MY RIGHT MIND NOR AM I TRYING TO BE AN ASSHOLE I AM VERY SORRY FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE AND I REALLY AM SO UPSET WITH MYSELF AS MUCH AS YOU ARE I CANT SHOW MY FACE THERE AND SEE THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE I SAW THE NEXT MORNING I WISHED I COULD TAKE ALL THE HURT I CAUSED YOU AND EVERYONE INVOLVED BUT I CANT LIKE I SAID I HOPE IN TIME YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FORGIVE BUT I CANT FORGET THIS THE SECOND TIME I BROKE THE RULES AND SHOWED UP OUT OF MY HEAD AND I DONT WANT IT TO HAPPEN EVER AGAIN SO I WILL TAKE THE TIME OUT FROM BEING AROUND CAUSE NOT TO BE A CORWARD BUT I DO FIND IT HARD TO FACE THE TWO OF YOU YOU DIDNT DESERVE MY SHIT HEAD ACT TING UP I WASNT HERE WHAT EVER CAME OUT OF ME WAS VERY BAD WHEATHER OR NOT I COULD RECALL ANY OF WHAT WAS SAID OR DONE I REGRET MY ACTIONS TOWARD ALL OF YOU AND I AM VERY SORRY UNTIL I CAN AND YALL CAN GET PASSED THIS I DONT THINK I SHOULD BE IN CONTACT I HAVE NOT ONLY MESSED UP AT YOUR HOUSE BUT OTHERS I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPEN WITH ME BUT THAT WEEKEND WENT WRONG FOR EVERYONE I WAS IN CONTACT WITH SO UNTIL I GET MYSELF TOGETHER I WILL NOT COME AROUND OK THANKS AND AGAIN I AM SORRY TO YOU ALL"
so I showed hubby and we decide to let it all go. I didn't respond and won't. If he can decide to stop being a chicken ship and face us maybe we'll work it out maybe we won't. Maybe he's just not fucking worth it.

On a similar note I IMed Sir today without saying hi or anything I said something like." I just wanted to say bye to you once and for all in one IM so i know you read it all. You never showed me the respect to talk to me and finsh a conversation. I deserve more respect than that. I had fun with you. Have a nice life and god bless you and your children."As usual I got nothing back. then I said " you could at least say ok or something to shoow me you at least read it. You owe me that much." Of course I got nothing back. I delete his screen name so I don't have too see it anymore. But I didn't block him not that I'll ever hear from him again. Fuck them both.
Well maybe I'll find a new dom type. Maybe I have I'm talking to someone new but that's all i'm saying now........................hours later............. ok well i talk to him hours tonight and his name is Dave. Looks promising.



Welll since this is the 14 th annivary of mom's suicide. i decide to make to day a day of grieving to remimber thoes that are lost to me both dead and alive. I want towrite note to thoes people as well as a few that's still with me so here goes. I'm listening to songs that remember of them.
Dear mom,
well it been 14 years ago that you decided to walk away from me and grandma. 14 years since you said screw us as well as you brothers and sisters, nieces, and others who cared. It still hurts like hell. I'm still mad as hell. I still can't forgive or forget. Someday I hope I can learn how to forgive you. Sometimes I do understand my though. But sometime it seems you didn't love me sometimes it seemed you weren't capable of love. We had a lot of fun over the years. so time I think you did the best you could other times I think you could have done things better. Sometimes I wish you had given me up for adoption other times I don't. They say you shouldn't judge other. Espicilly unless you walk in their shoes. Well I haven't walk it your shoes or lived as long as you. So much of my life is different from yours. I gradutated junior college you didn't graduate high school. I got married you went after married men including 2 of your sister's. I cry so easy you hardly ever did. but in alot of ways emotionally we are so alike. We both wanted love, we both are anti socialable.neither of us mad friend easy. Theres more I'm sure. I shouldn't judge that God's place. But I do. You didn't have a disabilty you could have made friends. You could have made a life for you self if you tried. I guess I could too. I don't know if i can forgive some of the little things. Like not taking me to the special needs kids babysitting course(matbe you thought I'd get hurt because someone might have said I should be working with disabilied kids sinc I was disabilied. Like not wanting to come to my graduation. Like telling me I couldn't win the united cerebal pasley swim met( I won second twice and would have first once if I hadn't got caught up in the ropes). Those things still hurt. I know you were far from being mean to me but I was a good kid (except for not going to school.) I didn't feel like you appreciate that. Damn it I needed a mother even though I was grown. Didn't you need grandma and grandpa after 18 too. Why did you rob me of that? Did you really think that since I had hubby I didn't need you? I know that not what you thought cuz you tried to kill your self before he came. Mom I hate you for what you did but I still love and miss you. I don't know where you are heaven, hell, or somewhere else. But I hope you know i still love you even though the pain


My best friend Amy,
Oh how I miss you my beautiful friend. You were truely my best friend of all my life next to hubby. You like me for me and we never fought except about your hubby. you died so young , only 20 with 3 kids.I'm so sorry I couldn't see you buried. I couldn't say good bye. I hope that put you in your wedding dress and left you long beautiful hair down. I'm sorry i couldn't see your children grow up and be an aunt to them. I'm sorry you didn't get to know me as a adult and see the real me I'v become. It would have been different knowing each other as adults. S0metime I wish we could have had a bi experience with you. I loved you that much. I miss you daily and dream about you often. I'm always dreaming that i find out your death was a lie and that we get in contract with each other a while but then lose touch. Then I'm afraid to call your house because you mom with think i'm nuts cuz you really were dead the whole time. I miss everyday.

My oldest friend cher
We knew each other since diaper but you were popular I wasn't we were to different back then. But from what I've heard I don't think we are so different now. I wish we had gotten to spend more adult life together but you never wanted to stay in touch. You hurt me so much as a kid but I still wish we had a second chance as adults. Maybe someday.


Grandpa
You left me so long ago but I still idolize you. I think from the impression I got from you kids ,maybe you weren't the greatest father but too me you were the best grandfather.

Grandma,
You never said much but you always listened. The end was hard on us because you became more and relying on us but when we decide to let you go we all knew it was the right desicion. I kinow you happy with grandpa now.

Dad,
I don't know if your alive or dead. I never met you but wish I could some day. I forgive you for not beening there, not leving your wife and kids for mom. I'd love the chance to get to know you.


brother in law,

you've beem truely missed ince you died. You could be a real pain but it was funny most the time. your humor is what I miss most. The day I heard that you hoped hubby and I did have kids meant the world to me. You lovely daughter is sure growing up well. I love her with all my heart.

Aunt in law,
you really hurt us when you ran up our credit card. It's something that will hurt us the rest of our lives. We'll always be in debt. you could be mean at times especilly to the kids. but beside that I know you had a good heart. Hubby and I do long for the days you were here with us every morning. So many great memories. We miss you.

In laws,
I love you all. And I can tell you love me by the look in you eye and what you do for me. I just wish you knew the turth about us but you just won't understand. Thanks for being a family to me when mine wasn't. I love ya'll

Step father in law,
You can seems so loving at times but I just wish you could realize saying what you feel with think it though really hurts people. I love you anyway.

Mom in law
I wish you'd take better care of yourself. I wish you would threat to kill yourself. I lost one mom to sucide I don't wannt to lose another to it. I wish you would say hubby had no common sense cuz it's mean and I know smoking and drinking with a pace maker is not showing common sense. I know you love me by the look in you eye after surgery. I love you too.

Sis in law,
I love you and you are my sis as much as hubby's. I just wish you loosen up some. I hope you find another love some day. Thanks for all you do for me.

grandmother inlaw,
I fear your time is drawing near, I hope you know it's ok to go when God calls. Your a wonderful human and we will all miss you. I love you

niece,
My life as been blessed with you in it. you help keep the kid in me alive. I love you so so very much.

Aunt Re,
Growing up I idolized you so much but your drinking has made everyone push you away. I wished someday you'd realize that and stop. You a wondeful person when your not drinking. I do love you though.


the rest of my family,
I wish we could all be closer like hubby's family. I'm glad most of you know the turth but just wish half you weren't on in a nother state. Love you all.

Cousin Trace,
We were sure close in our teens but I sure miss you nowWhy did you move away.


Hubby's boss,
I just want to thank you for all you do for us. You've been a try friend. I hope recover from your surery well. I hope our friendship grows even more.

Smack,
I hope you get yourself together. We'll miss you. I hope maybe your realize you have a drinking problen and can tone it down. You a great spanker. love y0u.


Mr. and Mrs. S,
You're great friends. I'm glad we could help you and I feel really good about it. I'm not sorry we did. I'm glad we all came though it as friends.

Dave,
I really enjoy our chat tonught I hope our friendship grows.

My dear dog Tia,
I thank god for such a wonderful, good, smart, pretty dog like you everyday. Your the best pet I ever had.

Cats,
you both pain in the butt but i love you.


My dear darling hubby,
I told you today how i felt. God really knew what he was doing when he brought us together. Your the best friend I ever had. I feared growing up that i'd not find a ture friend nor a man to love me. but i found both in you I love you with all my heart


readers,
thank for being there.
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well that it. I've been true to my self today but writing my feeling, most of these things i'll never get to say but at least I said them here. It's after mid-night and my diet starts now and so dose my self improvement. I guess i post pone cleaning and doing the rooms another week for many reasons 1 i don't have all the supplies to clean and i'll get them this weekend, 2. i'm way behind on my watching soaps and reading starting over mail. I'll try to get them caught up by monday. 3 i lost today talking to dave and doing this. 4. it's a shorrt week hubby gets off friday. I know excuses excuses. Well I did get the dod bathed, and plan to do all the laundry this week to.
Well my hand is killing me from all this typing so I'm going to talk to mom and amy , read some old diaries from when mom died and listen to more of the songs that remind me of them. night.
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