Saturday, March 26, 2005

stuff and stuff and stuff zzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry I haven't written since tuesday. Wednesday I ended up just reading mail nothing else. Yesterday and today I haven't felt to good. Just pains here and there. My back was hurting then my stomach. First I thought it was my herinated disk until my stomach started hurting. It felt like period cramps but it's way too early..maybe just gas. My foot has also been hurting alot. I dropped something(can't remember what) on it around x-mas eve.X-mas eve I was so busy I paid no attend and kept going. Then went to x-mas eve service and to sister in law, went to bed around 1 and it started hurting. I got no sleep. Niece woke us up at 4:45. She's 13 too old to be pulling that crap. Everyone went back to sleep but me. I've had pain off and on since. Well first it was pain I just kionda couldn't walk on it for 4 or 6 steps. Sometimes it hurts sometimes it burns inside. I know I know I need to go to the dr. It feel better when I stay off of it awhile but as soon as I get active again it hurts. Aside from back pain and foot pain I've been having spasms in my thigh to night. I doubt that a big deal and some arm pain. But some how today and yesterday I manged to get my cleaning done. I don't do a good complete cleaning job very often but It's time. Hadn't done it since x-mas trying to heal my foot Plus we had some friend staying with us all during Jan. until the found a place. It takes me 3 days to do it good. I did do everything I should have both days but not sure about tomorrow. Hubby said don't over do it cuz we have to go out sunday with family to dinner. But I hate to quit a third of the way done. I'll see how I feel.
Yesterday was my only nieces 14th b-day. We love her so much. Hard to believe she 14. I was also 14 years since hubby and I got unofficilly engaged. Yep same day. LOL.
Sunday we are going to the black eyed pea for easter/birthday dinner. To much of a hassle to cook. Mother-in- had surgey feb 21. then lost her mother march 8th. She had to recover fast to deal with her illness and death. It was the stupid nursing homes fault. They left her in diaper. she got a diaper rash and yeast infection. She died of Dysentary(living in filth) The fould old dirty diaper in her closet. Needless to say mom is sueing. Mamaw was 87. The doctor I met him didn't give a damn about old people. In october The nursing home was taking her on a field trip, the had an accident.They didn't tie her wheelchair down and she flew from the back of the bus to the front and down the stair well. The Dr. sent her home that night. She was 87 and could have had a concoscion(sp?).So we are going out for easter.
Didn't get any more self help stuff done but will start back on monday. I've been sucking big time on my diet but will start back monday

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


day one being true to yourself define goals
I am recording my progress as I do self help workbooks.Here are the major points, questions and things to do that I interupt from the book.

Goals
1. build self esteem( define self esteem)
2. be less selfish lazy and immature.
3. deal with mom's sucide
4. get the courage to try to get a job
5. decide if trying to get pregnant is the right thing(we both have really always wanted it and been trying for years but sometimes i worry i won't be a good mother because I can be selfish, lazy and immature but i'm working on that) plus we don't have much money. but I know if you wait until you can afford it and wait until your ready it will never happen.
6. Find my father I never met.
7. finsh getting my house unpacked after 4 years here. Making progress
8. read and listen to more self help books
9. work on anger
10. lose weight
11. grow up

Change your life in 30 daysDay one A new beginning/ being true to yourself

Points

To be true to yourself you might have to:
Give up people pleasing
Say no
Create boundaries
Speak up reignite your passion
find your purpose
let go of false friends
make new friends
find a dream job
commit to a weight lose program
Find self love
Find more satisfaction
Find peace of Mind

Being true to yourself wakes you up in the middle of the night examining areas of yourself the you have been lying to yourself and letting your soul(self down).
Define your goal. Defining it makes it real. Be specific. Be clear and thorough
Better lives include success.
When defining you goals do you want to look them up in a dictionary? Poll friends? Go blank?

When defining you goal does your answer put a smile on your face? Do you want to change it? Are you satisfied with it? Are you truthful?Who am I when answering these questions?

When fear is running you life, you will not be true to yourself
Defining a word helps to clarify what you believe
Being specific with an answer accelerates growth
Wanting a better life is really a desire to be more true to yourself
Telling the truth is an important part of discovering who you really are


questions

1.Are you willing in to put personal integrity above a promise to another? I'm not sure. a promise to another seems important but I think I can cuz I have before.
2.Are you willing to listen to your heart while using your head? I think so.
3.Are you willing to stop lying to yourself in order to start loving yourself? I think I'm very honest with myself but yes If I am lying to my self I'm ready
4.Are you willing to be authentic even is it means being vulnerable? I think I'm already a lot of both. But in some situations you just can't be authentic.
5. Are you willing to invest in the life you have in order to get the life you want? Yes
6. You are reading this book to change your life in some way but to you know in what way? Yes
7.Being true to your self would mean….. Being who I really am And being happy with it. Changing the things I’m not happy with. Deciding Which I truly don’t like and which are just social standers.
8. If you were true to yourself you could…be happy with me, feel good about myself, and feel other look at me positive, (I know I shouldn’t care what others think. Sigh), gain pride
9.If you were true to your self you would let go of ….. negative self talk, self-hatered, self anger, shame
10. Define success: reaching you goal. Doing something you proud of.
11.You felt success when…I graduated high school, and college
12.You would be more success full if… I had a job or a child
13 what would you need to do to have a successful life? Gain Courage, Try
14. What would you have to let go of? Fear, laziness
15. Why do you get stopped and give up? Fear, laziness
16. Do you have faith in yourself and what you want? Not really
17 Is your goal attainable? Yes
18 Are you willing to risk everything? I’m not sure.
19.Would you be happy if you reached you goal? I think and hope so.
20 Are you worth it? I guess
21.Have you earned it? No
22. How will being true to yourself change your life? I’ll be happier more Confident feel better about my self
23.If you are true to yourself what are you afraid might happen? I’ll get hurt, embarrass my self.
24.What has stopped you before in becoming the best you possible? Fear and laziness.
25. Describe the you that you like to be in 30 days … happy confident secure positive
26.What are you willing to do today to be more true to yourself? Stand up for myself with a friend that I need to with. Do more self help stuff.

Things to do
Define your goals
Define Self-esteem how you feel about yourself
Define selfish lazy and immature
Selfish- wanting your way all the time
Immature- acting younger than your age not taking on adult responsibility
Lazy-spending all you time sleeping, playing on the pc and watching tv instead of working. Not putting out any energy
Define grow-up Acting you age. Taking on responsibility
Make pro and con list of having a baby.
Pro
Bring a life in to the world
So cute
Experience of it
Sharing love
I love children
Fulfilling family
Carry on family name
Contributing to the world
Joy of being a parent
Con
Money
Give up freedom
Give up laziness
Examine why I get angry
Deciding which things I don’t like about me I truly don’t like and which are just social standers.

update

Mood: ok
Health: same
Weather: spring like
Diet: lol
Acohol: none
Watching: AMC
Listening To:
Interest of the Day: self help
Recent Important Entries:
Links: About Me MY PERSONAL AD My Deviantart homepage My Art Work My Photos My Sims 2 Skins My Neopets Gallery My Buttercream cake Gallery My Deviant art Jounal My Dog Tia's page My Sticker page My pic Recent My bridal shot Our wedding portrait MY Baby(dog) Tia MY cat Cyber MY cat Callie
MY Gallery

Well today I finshed 2 goal. Very minor ones. Unimportant ones but none the less. I finally got the mail from this group caught up. LoL. Sorry if I didn't reply to everyone sometimes I just don't know what to say back. I also got my All my Children and SO caught up. Weekends that hubby has 3 or 4 day weekend put me behind on my shows. At least I caught up in one day. Tomorrow I'm going to take time to do some self help stuff. I'll try to review day one in change your life in 30days and do day 2. I hope to listen to some self help tapes too. In a few days I'll start doing a good cleaning job Then work on getting the last room The "kids" room done. My plans have changed some now cuz my aunts trip here has been postoned a few weeks. Not sure how I feel about that. Wonder if they'll even make it.
Angel

Sunday, March 20, 2005

A fun weekend

Mood: good
Health: ok
Weather: nice
Diet: lol
Acohol: some lately but no more for a month anyway
Watching: tv
Listening To:
Interest of the Day: self help, starting over
Recent Important Entries:
Links: About Me MY PERSONAL AD My Deviantart homepage My Art Work My Photos My Sims 2 Skins My Neopets Gallery My Buttercream cake Gallery My Deviant art Jounal My Dog Tia's page My Sticker page My pic Recent My bridal shot Our wedding portrait MY Baby(dog) Tia MY cat Cyber MY cat Callie
MY Gallery

This weekend was a fun weekend. Hubby took a long weekend for Saint Patrick's day First we went to the book store where I looked at self-help books. I didn't buy any didn't have the money. I rote down so good ones to look up on half.com or to download on bearshare. Then we met a friend for dinner at Bennigan's. We pigged out, had some beers and talk. Friday our friend Smack came over and we cooked out. We had fun but before we could have fun there was something I had to take care of. Smack can do things that really embarass us especilly when he drinks. At one time it got so bad hubby had a talk with him and I wrote him a letter. Things got worse again recently right before I read the first chapter of Change your life in 30 day. I decided I needed to right down my feeling and tell him. We set a day but evidently kevin went othef places that weekend and made a fool of himself. He e-mailed me saying he wasn't coming and gave me a bunch of crap blah blah. I knew he just didn't want to face us. I mailed him my letter but still got blah blah blah back. So I stopped responding. Sure enough he should up 2 days later. We were eating so we talked things out but I didn't get to read my thpoughts. That was my goal in charter one about being true to myself and I missed my change. Well Friday I sat him down and read it to him word for word. I told him 3 strikes your out. I can't handle him embrassing me in front of family and friends. I'm ready to move on to day to in the book. Anyway we had a great time cooking out, pigging out , having beers, and partying outside. He behaved himself lol. We did a daddy daughter fantasy plus I got to bad hickeys and a bursied but lol. Fun. Yesterday Hubby's uncle came over and we pigged out again but We only had 1beer a piece. Today we just relaxed. Still have lots of left over food so my diet it gone until i get rid of that then I'll get back on it. Well at least I socialized alot. This whole month has and will be a month for socialization and a big one for family. Hubby grandmother passed away the 7th so we had the visitation wednesday night and funeral Thursday. So lots of family and friends we haven't seen in years. I've misse 2 funerals him his family. Both were member neither of us knew well or hadn't spent much time with. I just couldn't handle it. We had other things going on around then. I just missed everything. Once I was kinda sick though.
But now in a week my family is coming down from flordia. My aunt and her girls. I would real look forward to it but my aunt and I have fought over stuff(pictures, artwork. and Love letters) she thinks she deserves and I have. She moved off before grandma got unable to care for her. I took care of her many years before she went to a nursing home. Then my other aunt and uncle took care of things. What did she do nothing. She deserves nothing. I have the stuff in a fire proof box. That's where it's staying. I broke down and gave her some pics then she said they weren't all of them. Anyway. I wrote long letter to her after she left. So maybe everything is cool now. We talk some and when we do we talk alot. So I hope we can enjoy it when she comes down. Yep alot of socializing for a person with social phobia. LOL. So I guess I'm doing good.

Monday, March 07, 2005

sad news

Tonight we recieved the news that hubby's grandmother passed away. It was not a suprise. We expected we are doing ok.

my back has been bothering me the last few day bad. Yesterday I couldn't do much. Today I'm alittle better.

As for smack. The day after I wrote he sent this letter.
"I HAD A LOT MORE TO SAY BUT I JUST SAY THIS I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND JAMES AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE FOR ME I MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF AT THE EXSPENCE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP THAT IS NOT MY INTENTION I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU AND JAMES AND ANYTIME YOU EVER NEED ME I WILL BE THERE WHEN EVER POSSIBLE I AM SO SORRY I WILL MISS BEING WITH YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW I SAID A LOT OF SHIT THAT NIGHT I DIDNT MEAN THE BAD SIDE OF ME TOOK OVER AND I HAD NO CONTROL AND THAT IS NO EXCUSE PLEASE FORGIVE ME I WOULD NEVER NOT CARE ABOUT BEING WITH YOU GUYS WE HAD BEEN FRIENDS FOR YEARS AND I HOPE YOU WILL NOT FEEL THAT I WAS A WASTE OF TIME WITH ALL THE LOVE I CAN GIVE"

but i did not respond and he showed up the next day and we worked things out. but i don't think i can forgive him if he disrespects my friends or family again.

Well needless to say I problably won't write for a while because of the funeral and stuff.

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